I haven't been here in 2 months.


At the end of September I started university. My university is a 4 hour drive from home, so not to bad, but not all that close either! Anyway, first few weeks I was fine, odd tears here and there but that was it. Then the third week, my mum and brother were coming up that weekend. Which is when I realised how much I missed them. So I was getting upset, feeling a little down. I just didn’t know what to do. Anyway, they came up, went, I was iffy for a few days then I was fine for a while. The 6th week I went home, the few days leading up to it I was a bit off again, few tears here and there but nothing mega. I came back to uni and was upset again for a couple of days.

And, well, I’ve realised, although I have these ‘really’ down days at uni, I’m not actually happy here. It’s not what I expected it to be you know? I was told ‘best years of your life’ you’ll make ‘friends for life’ but so far I’m just not seeing that. Maybe its because this is a top university, I’m doing a top degree and the workload is pretty hefty. Maybe it’s just me?

All through my life I have been alone, or rather, a loner. Never had any REAL close friends you know? I constantly feel like I am being left by the people I love. Now, at uni I am the same, I have no really good friends, I haven’t made the best friendships ever, and part of me thinks, yeh I’m ok with that. I’m a pretty solitary person anyway, I like my own company. But the other part of me is thinking actually I’m kinda missing out on all this. I don’t feel like I fit in here. I had, no have, one person I would consider a ‘good friend’ here. Lets call her Charlotte, well she came to my room last night (she lives off campus) and basically told me she is currently reapplying for other uni’s. She’s way to homesick here, doesn’t like her course and want’s to be closer to her family/boyfriend. So I feel like I am being left….again. We were planning on getting a house together next year and all sorts. So her telling me that really crushed me. It made my anxiety sky rocket. As pathetic as it sounds. But I’m now left with the conundrum of not being sure who I am living with next year. I can’t live with the girls on my halls, they are horrible, gobby and disrespectful. I have a promise with a guy called Matt that we will get a house together (with Charlotte) but I don’t want to trap myself into a house with people that never go out. I keep thinking, I don’t want to become that person that I have been all my life, never going out, not having any friends. But I’m already there. Yes I go out, but I don’t feel really close to anyone here. Like I thought I would, and I know it takes time. And I figure, if I do end up being a recluse next year, is that such a bad thing? I mean I need a first class degree, I need to work hard, at least I could focus fully on my education, which to be honest is the main reason/purpose of uni.

But anyway, I just don’t know what to do, I’m missing home so so much. I had a full scale panic attack last night. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, I was sick all because I got myself so upset. I miss the people at home. I am falling, pretty damn hard, and all the people who normally catch me aren’t here. My counsellor, my pastoral support, my tutor and my teachers. I really don’t know what to do.

I have considered emailing my personal tutor, just letting her know I am really struggling with this whole ‘uni’ thing right now. But part of me doesn’t want to. I want to be able to cope. I want to be like a normal student you know? Not needing the help. Not having to have special attention like I did in college. I haven’t got ‘a person’ here. All through my college years I have had a person to go to, burst into tears, hug, talk things over get advice, and I haven’t got that now. And I’m feeling really really lost because of it.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if any of you have any ideas. I just needed to get it out of my system. Let someone else in on it. I’m tired of holding it in. It was bubbling and bubbling. I just needed to tell someone, even though it’s online. Maybe I should tell someone IRL, my tutor or even see a counsellor. But I’m used to Jen, MY counsellor. I don’t want to have to build a relationship with someone else, I mean…I’m never going to feel as comfortable with someone else as I did with her. I saw her for 5 years.

What can I do?