I feel like I just need to write. I've written in every online journal I have, mostly on forums. I feel bad for complaining all the time, about the same thing. Over and over again. But it's just totally representative of my head at the moment.

Over and Over again. Everything. Always. And I feel like I can't take it much longer.

University exams. Stupid. Insignificant. Can retake if I fail. University exams. I'm incredibly frustrated. Angry. Anxious and downright depressed about them. And I only have 4 days left. What is wrong with me?!? I need to stop asking myself what is wrong with me and focus on positives. What is good. What I can do. But my energy levels are SO low, concentration is such a difficulty and learning the actual content? Hell.

My next exam is in exactly 2 days and one hour. I've barely done anything towards it - granted I HAVE done something - but really not a lot. My last exam is on Friday, so 4 days away. Cognitive Psychology, and it is absolute torture. I hate this crap, I hate revision. I adore the subject but I just don't understand it. It's like I've come to loathe psychology. Psychology is me, it's my life. It is everything about me and all I am. It does literally make me. Without it I won't know who I am. I realise that sounds geeky, lame, downright stupid. But it's the truth. It's how I feel about it. And now, revising for these bullshit exams are frustrating me. I don't know it, I'm not in the right frame of mind. Jesus, I'm struggling with depression, severe anxiety and a fucking eating disorder. It's no wonder my head and brain isn't working. My body to. I feel exhausted and run down. Burnt out. Ready to crash. In a way I think I already have. it worries me - alot.

But focussing on the positive. Positive positive positive....
- I have completed (and survived) one exam, and have only 2 left. Altogether I have 4 hours of actual examinations left. Thats ok.
- I have applied for mitigating circumstances because of my anxiety, depression and eating disorder. The department know, they can take it into account should I really flunk these exams. Thats not ideal - but it's ok.
- I have 2 days until one exam which I need to actually revise for, make notes on and memorise them. I have the rest of today, tomorrow and wednesday morning. Again, not ideal - but ok.
- I have 3.5 days until my other exam. Which again I need to revise for, I have one more section of notes to type up (a couple of hours work) and then I have to spend all day thursday memorising and bulking them up a bit. Really really not ideal - but ok.
- I am exhausted, right now I could go to sleep, infact. I am considering a slight power nap here in the middle of the group study area in the library. Could look lame but god dammit - I really could sleep right now. I need to take a proper break - a non tiring break. That's ok.

Realistically, I'm not going to do very well in these exams, simply because of circumstances and the time I have left. My anxiety is crippling, even the medication isn't helping. I need to pull myself through the next few days. Numb myself to the tiredness and just keep pushing through it.

God I just want to cry. Over some poxy bloody exams. I am pathetic, I need to use all the energy I spend moaning and getting myself worked up on actually bloody revising.

My head is swarming. Overflowing. Mist. Clouds. Impaired judgement. Lacking ability. Focus is impossible. Motivation is non existent. I have become someone else completely.

Manic. 100 miles per hour. Thoughts. To do. Say this, should have said that. Plans. Organising. Freak outs. Food. Exercise. Ideas.....

.....and breeeeeeathe.

Don't have time. Keep going....

....Lectures. Buses. Commitments. Volunteering. Reading. Assignments. Medication. Gym. Lists. Structure.

Give me my brain back.

Let me escape.

From what?

Myself, my head.

Heart pounding, body aching, mind buzzing. Full. Crazy. Day and night. Thoughts. Spinning.

Exhaustion.

Crash.

Disconnection. Blur. Confusion.

Feels wrong.

Not me. Not how it should be.

Who and what have I become?

and I need to know how.

Because I've lost myself.

And I need to find my way back now.

This eating disorder is taking over my life, or at least, I'm only just realising that it already has...

Sat here, trying to do reading for my university modules. Trying to take it in. The only thing going through my head, the only thing I can concentrate on.

How many calories have I had today?
How can I fit exercise in today?
How can I make the most of my calorie limit?
Why do I lack control?

Why the hell am I doing this to myself?

The last few days have been grim. Hard. I know that. I now have the possibility of seeing my counsellor again. The one whom I miss, who helped me so much, the one who I have just wanted to talk to for months. I should be happy, I am. But I just can't figure out why I am so damn down and so unhappy. What has made me feel like this? What justification do I have for feeling like crap?

I feel like I have this huge..thing bubbling up inside me. Threatening to burst, boil over and scold me. Cause hurt, pain and chaos. But I just don't know what that thing is. It frustrates me. I don't mind feeling down if I know why. If I can identify why. I feel in control then. I've lost my control that I so desperately try to hold onto.

My constant lists, my spreadsheets for money, my timetables, my plans, my to do lists, my intake lists, my exercise lists, my preoccupation with time, it just goes on and on. It's not healthy. I shouldn't have to come online everynight and write out my plan for what I'm going to do in my day and what I'm going to eat in order to keep the anxiety away. It's not right. It's obsessive compulsive.

I feel unhappy, but I don't feel like a mess. If that makes any sense? I feel contained in my feelings right now, I feel like they are tightly locked away inside of me. Normally when I get anxious and feel disconnected it is because I feel like all my feelings are just scattered everywhere, flowing out uncontrollably. I imagine it like a volcano and the lava just creeping to the edges of the earth.

So this time it feels different, it's all bundled up, tightly knotted inside me. I just can't release it. I can't cry. My body and mind wont let me. No matter how much I want to. The longer it goes, the more it hurts. I just want to release it. Hours and hours in the gym don't give me the release I need. I know, that when the frustration comes so will the craving, the craving to self harm. To whack the shit out of my wrist, as hard as I can. To hurt. So I can feel something. Anything but this bloody melancholy. I've danced around my room like a loony to try and release some stress. I've had a freezing cold shower to try and snap myself out of it. Nothing, absolutely nothing is working. I have things to do. I have a life to tend to.

I don't know whether to be angry or thankful for the fact that I saw my counsellor walk past the cafe. Angry, because it has brought all this up, it has made things difficult again, or thankful because I have realised now, I can address it and perhaps it won't seem so bad, or at least get any worse.

All I know is that I am fed up of it, and instead of controlling and helping, I'm slowly destroying myself.